— (It’s just some random thought that suddenly popped in my mind last night.)
Sentosa Island, Imbiah Lookout
My cousin and I were at the downriding escalator, while you and your family were heading towards the opposite direction.
Our eyes met for a second. In that instant, I concluded that you were different. You were different in a sense that you did not intend anything other than to say hi and smile. I was taken aback when your look lingered a little more than usual. Then you nodded and smiled a demure smile. I took me longer than necessary to realize that you were greeting me in silence. You made a quiet connection in spite of the very noisy environment. Yet, my reflex overpowered me. Before I could even remove my usual aloof front, I looked away.
The moment passed. You were continuing to ascend while I was left to huge amounts of regrets.
I’d like to think that I made it just in time to look back at you again and at least return that warm smile you gave me. I think you did, but I’m just not sure.
Anyway, it has been a week. If we are to be given another chance to meet again, I hope it wold be in a less awkward situation.
Until then, you are my missed connection.
On a Friday last month, I woke up a bit early (early for a day off from work), and decided to ride a bus to Tagaytay. Alone, yes.
It has been more than a year then since my solo trip to Baguio. My feet were itching to go somewhere, and so, I grabbed the opportunity when I decided to stay in Manila despite my day off.
I had quite a sucky schedule for June so this spontaneous trip was an attempt (a successful one at that) to make the most out of it.
I can’t find the appropriate words to describe this much- needed break. The moment I stepped inside the bus to find my seat, I just felt at peace with everything. I knew I needed this trip more than anything else.
I remember having had quite a stressful work for the past few months, and I noticed getting annoyed more often (not just the PMS talking, I assure you) with people. That’s when it hit me, maybe I am an introvert.
Haha. It was quite late for me to realize that, but hey, it was really comforting to somehow find validation for what I feel.
And so, the introvert’s journey began. I searched for some places to visit and some directions to go around Tagaytay, but in the end, I followed my instincts and my meager sense of direction.
First stop: People’s Park in the Sky
or, People’s K in the Sky
I almost got lost when I decided to go here. Thank you to the security guard of Jollibee- Olivarez Plaza for pointing out that I should’ve alighted the bus a few meters before.
I’ve been to Tagaytay a few times during my childhood, but I have NEVER been here! It was too sad to see the current state of the famous Palace in the Sky, yet I found some peace in walking among ruins.
and I remembered Spongebob. Peaceful, yes.
I then decided to go to Picnic Grove. I’ve been warned by some forums/ blogs that tricycle drivers in Tagaytay charge way too much for a trip, so it was a real blessing when a young couple also needed to go to the same place. Ha!
Picnic Grove reminds me of happy times with my family. I decided to retrace the old steps that my siblings and I followed. What seemed to be a really long and adventurous trail turned out to be quite a short one pala. Perspective really changes when someone grows up.
On the way to Picnic Grove, I saw a sign of the Puzzle Mansion. Right then and there, I decided to visit that place— without any idea on its location! I asked for directions from the caretakers of the Picnic Grove, and from this kind jeepney driver. So, yay! Successful! I did not get lost!
Puzzle Mansion houses the world’s largest collection of puzzles. I was not completely impressed until I went there to see the collection myself. To think that EVERYTHING, from 2D to 3D to holograms, was done by just one person— it’s just, wow.
Too bad, taking pictures wasn’t allowed there.
Oh, and the mansion also happens to be an inn (luxurious one, based on the prices. Haha.), and it’s situated in the middle of a farm.
Thus ends the introvert’s journey. Nothing spectacular really happened, but I really appreciated this day. *sigh of relief*
Mahirap na nga yatang makahanap ng lalaking rerespeto sayo. Or at least, sa akin.
Nakakalungkot. Ano’ng ginawa ko para mangyari sa akin ito? :(
Kailangan ko ng kausap.
Mahirap umasa palagi na may taong nandyan para sa’yo, na isang tawag mo lang, may kakampi ka na. Siguro, pag nahanap ko na yung lalaking para sa akin, mag- iiba ang pananaw ko. Pero sa ngayon, sarili ko muna ang maaasahan ko.Pinili ko rin naman ito,e. Pinili ko na wala akong maging bestfriend, kasi alam kong magbabago at magbabago kami, at magiging masakit kapag nangyari iyon, tapos ipipilit lang namin na i- salvage ang friendship.
Pero, minsan, katulad kahapon, sa huling gabi ng lamay ng lola ko, na- realize ko, hindi ko pala kaya palagi ang mag- isa. Kaya ko lang takasan yung mga problema’t pagkukulang na binibigay ng pagiging loner. Sa bagay, may trabaho kasi. Pwede akong maligaw doon. Pero kapag tapos na ang duty, kapag off ko na, sino ang tatakbuhan ko? Pwede sanang pamilya ko, pero sa puntong ito, may problema rin sa pamilya. O, tapos,sino pa?
Wala na. Sarili ko na lang.
Di ko maipaliwanag kagabi, nung nagkandapatung- patong na parang nananadya ang mga isyu. Ganoon pala talaga kapag may namamatay. May nabubuhay na mga isyu. Mga isyung matagal nang tinataguan at iniiwasan, na kailangan nang harapin ngayon.
Masarap sanang may makakausap ka kahit isang kaibigan man lang. Yung taong hindi involved sa isyu. Hindi mo kapatid, hindi mo kamag- anak. Kasi kahit ano’ng concern nila para sa’yo, iba pa rin ang pakiramdam kung yung nakikinig sa’yo, may ibang pananaw, may mga opinyon na hindi nahahaluan ng kung anumang isyu sa pamilya.
Sinubukan kong maghanap ng ganoong klaseng kaibigan. Iniisip ko, isang gabi lang naman. Isang gabi lang, sana pagbigyan ako ng tadhana. May sumagot naman. Okay na sana, kaso, parang hindi ko kayang iyakan yung taong yun. Mahirap, may history kami— at may girlfriend na siya. Pero, in fairness naman sa kanya, nagrereply siya. Hindi ko nga lang magawang maglabas ng sama ng loob sa kanya at humagulgol na kinakailangan ko.
Naiinis ako sa sarili ko kasi nadi- disappoint ako sa mga nauna kong inasahang magrereply sa akin. Bakit ba kasi ako nadi- disappoint? Akala ko ba, matagal ko nang inayos at pinagsabihan ang sarili ko na dapat, hindi ako aasa sa iba. Sa kahit ano’ng bagay. Lalo na sa mga ganitong pagkakataon, kasi alam ko naman sa simula pa lang na mabibigo na ako. Pero hindi ko pa rin pala kaya. Iba talaga kapag ang problema ko na, pamilya ko. Lahat ng aspeto ng buhay ko naaapektuhan.
Naiiyak ako sa trabaho. Hindi na ako masayang kausap. Tahimik. Sa bawat galaw namin sa bahay, naiisip ko kung paano nga ba sosolusyonan ito. Tapos, kapag nakikita ang kamag- anak, kailangang magpaka- ayos, para walana silang ibang masabi.
Ang hirap, sa sobrang hirap, inaamin ko na ngayong hindi ko kayang mag- isa. Ito yung mga tipong hindi maaayos ng solo travel ko sa kung saanman. Ito yung tipong kailangan ko munang mang- abala sa buhay ng ilang tao.
Pero, wala, e. Siguro, ganoon lang talaga ang buhay. Palakasan ng loob. Patibayan, kahit nag- iisa. Payabangan kung sino ang hindi unang bibigay. Tapos,pag nag-iisa na, saka na lang mamroblema, saka na lang umiyak at magdasal na sana, kayanin mo pa.
Sorry,tumblr, ikaw pa ang kinausap ko. Sorry kung ang haba- haba nito at hindi na cohesive. Hindi ko naman talaga ugali na maging ganito ka-personal sa internet. Ayoko ngang nagsasabi ng problema rito,e. Pero, sa pagkakataong ito, blog ko lang ang mahihingan ko ng oras. At least, dito, walang puputol sa pagsasalita ko. At least, parang nakikinig ka na rin. Yun lang naman ang kailangan ko,e. Salamat.
Sana kayanin ko pa.
Hey, doc. You may have the loudest voice inside the room. You may be the “leader” who has the “license” to blame everything on the nurses, but let me tell you this— the way you react just because things don’t go your way does not say something about us. Rather, it says A LOT about you.
So, don’t mistake my silence for fear. That’s my statement to you.
I have two weeks left to sing Taylor Swift’s 22 and legitimately feel like that song was for me.
Crap, time flies really fast. My 22nd year was spent inside the hospital, inside the Operating Room Complex. My 22nd year was spent in witnessing life- changing surgeries of hundreds of people.
My 22nd year was mostly about work— totally different from the last 21 years of being the dependent lady. There have been countless times when I wish I could return to my student days (which, in retrospect, I did enjoy), and spend a lot of time with my friends.
I realized that being a student means having any opportunity open for me because, hey, I’m still young. I can still learn. I can still commit mistakes. But when I started working, when I realized I’m on this vast, empty street with practically no idea on where to head to, I just knew that I have to be more careful.
I know I’m still licensed to make blunders and expect people to say, “That’s okay. You’re still in your twenties. Enjoy it,” but I could still feel the pressure of making myself happy and fulfilled (my and everyone’s ultimate goal)— especially now that I’m about to start another year of my life.
Deep thoughts. That’s a start.
For the meantime, allow me to wistfully recall the most memorable birthday party I have had so far, my 18th birthday.
I could say that I was lucky enough to be able to celebrate my 18th with a party. I was blessed to have a very supportive family and groups of friends who made this possible.
Damn, I know my 23rd birthday won’t be eventful, but somehow, I’ve had fantasies that it’ll be special somehow.
My personal life’s crappy right now, but here I am, still positive about things. Let’s keep it that way.
The Morning Rush’s topic for today was quite heavy for a Monday morning. Top 10 Letters to Ex, if taken really seriously, won’t exactly be the best thing to ponder on when you’re about to start the week. Yet, this is why I love the radio show— Chico, Delamar, Gino, and the listeners have a good sense of humor. They know how to turn possible sobfests into something that will actually motivate me to go to work.
Honestly, though. Letters to Ex is a good (but difficult) topic among close friends.
What would you say to or ask your past love, now that you guys are not together?
Oooh, I can already imagine a lot of thought- provoking statements coming out of my friends’ mouths.
My previous blog post, Closure, already included my question:
"Did you ever think that we could have been perfect for each other?"
along with a fictional scenario of what he would have answered. I did that post a few days after I dreamed about him. It was just a random dream that got stuck in my head for a few days. Then, I reread this particular comic strip in Kikomachine 6 wherein two past lovers were talking after they broke up (a considerable amount of time had already passed), and the female character said, "In a parallel world, all of our plans would be realized."
That’s when I knew I had to ask myself the same question. Six years since the breakup, and that relationship was still the best, so far. It’s pathetic, I know. Six years is a LONG time, and I’m honestly starting to wonder why I still don’t have a new boyfriend (maybe it’s because of questions like this. Hahaha.). So, to come to terms with it, I just wrote that post.
We actually had a similar conversation. Yep, we did. He did say sorry, and I did say I forgive him. I remember telling him that we could still have been together if it weren’t for the unfortunate incident, but I never had the courage to ask him if he felt the same way.
Why? He had (still has) a girlfriend at that time. It was totally inappropriate to ask that.
Aaah, such bittersweet thoughts.
I am fully aware that this makes me counter- productive (it’s 10am, and I still have to return to Manila for my 2pm shift, and I have not prepared a thing), but I just have to write about it.
If I were to be asked that same question, I would really answer, “Yes.” (read the blog post)
Then again, some stories just have to end. I have accepted the fact that we really aren’t for each other. Besides, my views about love has changed A LOT since our breakup, and I know his did, too.
Anyway, back to work.
I was tired. No, exhausted. It was a long day at work. I mean, who knew that eight hours could be so draining?
By the time I reached the locker room, I was ready to fall asleep, but the thought of my warm bed waiting for me in the dormitory pushed me to pick my ass up and change. I washed my face, took off my scrub suits and changed into street clothes, said goodbye to my colleagues and went out.
You were there, right in front of the door. I looked up to you and asked, “Who are you waiting for?”
"Uhm, no one in particular. Are you going home?"
"Yeah. Let’s go. I can’t wait to get out of this place."
"Me, too. But I’m more exhausted than hungry," I laughed at my lame attempt to make a smart comment. You laughed like it was one of the funniest things. Really, now. I just had to ask, "What’s wrong with you?"
I shrugged, “Okay.”
We were silent as we made our way to the bundy clock. I placed my backpack in front of me, tried to balance myself, and then searched for my time card. You just stood there waiting for me. I thought that was weird. You normally would have just placed your time card, and then said goodbye.
"Seriously, what is wrong with you?"
"And why are you so cranky?"
"I am not. I’m just having a hard time with my backpack."
"Let me help you out," you offered as you directed me to a less crowded place. You then tried to look into my mess of a bag.
I tried to remember if I did place my time card into my bag, and then gave up. “Uh- oh. I’m sorry,but I think I left it in my locker. Agh. This is so not my day.”
I made my way back, and then I looked to my right, and you were there.
"It’s okay. You can go ahead now. I know you go to sleep once you arrive at your unit."
"Let’s go out."
I froze. In the middle of the crowded hallway, full of patients on wheelchairs, full of watchers, full of AM shift nurses on their way out, you and I completely stopped. I couldn’t even face you. All I was able to muster was, “What?”
"Let’s go out."
"You know what, if I were not that tired, I would think this is like a normal thing that you’d ask. But I am EXHAUSTED, and I have this tendency to misinterpret things. Are you asking me out? I just wanted to be clear about it."
"Kind of like it. Yeah, I’m asking you out. Let’s eat before you go home."
"I— I— You know what, let me get my time card first."
My mind was racing as we climbed the stairs. It didn’t help that you kept silent, like you’re waiting for my pending answer. I know it won’t help either if you keep on gabbing about us going out. I’m just totally confused, and honestly, I just couldn’t believe my ears.
I was in front of the door and was about to enter when I turned to you.
"Why?" I asked.
"You’re single. I’m single."
You just shrugged. I smiled.
"You are acting so weird right now. I bet some of the boys challenged you to do this."
"Really, now. Anyway, whatever. I just want some milk tea. Is that fine with you?"
"No problem. Now get your time card and let’s get out of here."