September 15, 2012
Settling Down at 22

As part of my *cough* productive weekend, I (wait for it) browsed the internet at home. It’s actually a real treat for me, since the connection here is 100 times faster and more reliable than what we have at our unit in Manila. Seriously. Damn it, WiTribe. Hooray for Globe!

Needless to say, I was logged in on Facebook for lack of something better to do. What I expected to be a very ordinary and mindless browsing turned out to be a turning point where I thought about my present state.

So what was that update I got from my friends? Well, my classmate back in elementary will get married. In this really confusing world we now have, I was more surprised that she will get married than finding out that my other batchmates got pregnant.

I mean, for crying out loud, she’s not yet pregnant! (See the fucked up logic I now have?) Eliminating this possible (but not entirely plausible) reason, this can only mean one thing: she and her fiancee are really set to get married and settle down. Like, really. 

Settle down— nothing sends shivers down my spine like those two words.

To settle down in my early twenties— No, scratch that. To settle down in my twenties is like telling me that I’ll live in a place far away from the metro, where it’s either raining all year long or the sky is always gloomy. It’s definitely not the right place for me (yet). Maybe I’m just so contained in my own world that this news is such a big shock for me.

Don’t get me wrong. I love weddings. I actually spent weeks preparing for my cousin’s wedding last year. And it seems like I’ll be doing the same (if not more) for another cousin’s wedding this year. Oh, and I must have been the third of the most excited people for my kuya’s wedding. Still, what do those three have in common? They’re all in their late 20’s: 27, 29 and 26 years old respectively. It’s just that I have always associated weddings with ‘the older people,’ and to find out that one of our kind suddenly acts like part of the older people disturbs my system.

Oh, and to add salt to the wound: with my batchmate getting married, here I am in front of the computer at 2:30AM, sharing the same age, but still without any boyfriend. I’m not really yearning for one, but it’s times like this that I suddenly get yanked into reality.

*sigh* Our generation’s growing up. Next thing I know, we’d be the generation that leads the society— but right now, I’m still trying to figure out my place.

2:34pm  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/Z_mFKyTRaWL9
Filed under: Wedding Thoughts growing up adult world personal elementary 
August 11, 2012

“When we renounce our dreams and find peace, we go through a short period of tranquility. But the dead dreams begin to rot within us and to infect our entire being.”

- Paulo Coelho (The three symptoms of killing our dreams)


I’m placing this in my blog as a reminder that my constant search for something more challenging is a sign that I am not giving up on my dreams.

11:41am  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/Z_mFKyRCLne2
(Notes: 1)
  
Filed under: dreams adult world work personal Paulo Coelho inspired 
March 27, 2012
Transition

The person from HRD (Human Resource Department) of the hospital: See, submitting your requirements won’t take too long. *smiles*

Me: *smiles in agreement* 

HRD Person: Okay, then. Call me on April 13, so that you’ll know when you’re going to start.

Suddenly, wild and random thoughts ran through my mind as I said goodbye to the HRD person. I cannot accurately describe my feelings, so I’ll just share about 10% of what I was thinking on my way home.

  • I’m really going to leave my current job in four days. I’m going to leave my students. Nooooo.
  • Will I be able to continue RareJob?
  • I need to find an apartment.
  • Oh my goodness, I’m going live on my own— away from my family AND pay my own bills.
  • Will I manage?
  • This was what I have always wanted, right?
  • Okay, so my salary will be (enter amount here), then, (amount) will be for rent + electricity + water + internet connection.
  • I have to give some money to my parents.
  • I need to save money.
  • Oh my goodness, I HAVE TO TAKE A VACATION before I even start working here.
  • After the three- year contract, shall I continue being a nurse?
  • Which graduate study should I pursue?
  • Will I find my true love here?
  • Will my friends in Marikina miss me? Haha. Will they even notice?
  • I’m an adult. An adult. And I’m scared.
  • BUT, this was what I have always dreamed of since high school: INDEPENDENCE. I didn’t know it would also be scary.
  • Whatever, I can do this. I will most certainly enjoy my life.
  • But I don’t want to leave teaching. 
  • I do hope I get assigned to an intensive care unit. Pleasepleaseplase.

Years from now, I will remember this particular day when I realized that I’m in a transition period. Lukewarm. Bittersweet. Anxious. Excited. Unsure.

I need some background music—any music— that will be perfect for all of those thoughts.

But for now, I’ll worry myself with my last lecture for tomorrow.

12:07pm  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/Z_mFKyIenSN2
(Notes: 2)
  
Filed under: Thoughts adult world nursing hopeful ambivalent teaching work 
August 25, 2011
Unable to

It broke my heart when this complete stranger suddenly talked to me early this evening, and told me about the tragic happenings in his life. I have observed tangentiality and some odd behaviors. He told me that he has not been sleeping for two days already.

What made it more depressing was not that I understood his behavior, but the sad reality that I was the only one who did. And the only thing that the people around me did was to judge him. 

I know I studied Mental Health and Psychiatric Nursing for a reason.

I wish I could do more for him, more than allowing him to verbalize his feelings and giving him unconditional positive regard. But I can’t because we have not established a nurse- client relationship, and I don’t want to cause further emotional damage.

A few minutes before I alighted the jeep where we met, he gave me two packs of noodles. I knew he had nothing else to eat, but he gave me those noodles. I tried returning it, but he said I should keep them because I listened to him. “Ang bait mo sakin, hija. Naalala ko tuloy yung anak ko. Naluluha tuloy ako.”

Have I mentioned that the only things he carried with him at that time were his bag and a photo album of his family who, apparently, abandoned him?

Admittedly, I was scared. Here I was, sitting quietly in a jeepney, when this stranger talked to me. I know for a fact that he has a mental health problem. He could have hurt me, but because I understood his behavior, I knew he wouldn’t.

I was scared because I could feel the cold vibes from the other passengers in the jeepney. I could feel their looks piercing me as I tried to smile and listen to what the man was saying. In short, I was scared of being judged. 

I was in that state of being unable to decide on what to do. Eventually, I had to minimize my reactions. I had to control myself because even though I had a choice to utilize more therapeutic communication techniques, once our jeepney arrives in Concepcion, we would have to stop, which might be very abrupt for him. I don’t want him getting hurt and feel like I left him.

I wish I could do more— if not for that man himself, I wish I could change the way other people would see him and the numerous others who only need to be understood.


1:12pm  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/Z_mFKy8l34uU
Filed under: psychiatry odd behavior life changing nursing mental health adult world kwentong byahe thoughts 
July 30, 2011
Teacher Valerie

I was thinking of some wicked way to tell you guys that I now have a job, but, well, I can’t. Haha.

So, I’ll just type these words again, just to let you know how happy I am. :D

I HAVE A JOB. *insert big smiley face*

It doesn’t pay much, really, but the fulfillment I know I would get is what made me pursue this.

Apparently, I passed the teaching demo, wherein I thought I sucked. Haha. That was what I was ranting about in my previous post. Screw the teaching demo! I went to the center the other day for my first teaching session, and I think I worked pretty well with my students.

I can’t help but smile. It feels so great to see those cute faces lighten up when they are able to understand those lessons. The best part is that I can feel how confident they have become after an hour and a half. I hope I could do this every time I teach them.

Boy: Teacher, I’m having a hard time with this Math lesson. GCF and LCM’s are so difficult!

Me: They’re challenging! There is a difference. You just have to be more careful and exert some more effort than before.

*after teaching session*

Boy: THAT’S IT?! Ang galing! Ang dali lang pala!

That ^ is worth more than anything else. 

11:12pm  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/Z_mFKy7jhTqK
(Notes: 7)
  
Filed under: adult world teacher tutor children happiness 
July 27, 2011
I think I screwed up.

No, erase that. I DID screw up.

And I honestly don’t want to talk about it. At least right now. Details, no matter how juicy they may be to other people, actually crush my dignity. Now that statement sounds like I have a lot of pride, but please, just let me be for a while.

I just cannot fully accept that I screwed up.

That damn thing I screwed up was supposed to be my ticket to my lifelong, suppressed childhood dream.

I screwed up that possible thing that could have made me happy and fulfilled.

And I just can’t bring myself yet to accept it.

That freaking afternoon when I screwed up, I was in a state of denial. I was using defense mechanisms.

Denial: “No, I know I’m good. They’ll give me a chance.”

Projection: “They didn’t give me enough time. They asked the wrong questions. I could have nailed it if I was asked a different thing.”

But I know deep within me, that I was just not prepared. I screwed up.

Okay, I’m also that bright, sunny person who says that there will always be lessons, and I will improve.

But not tonight. I just want to channel all my frustrations by watching Grey’s Anatomy. Like I’m drowning on tequila.

“Forget about the world. Tonight, it’ll be just you and your alcohol.”

Tomorrow, I am going to pull myself together, and I am going to show them that I deserve to live my dream.

2:06pm  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/Z_mFKy7awinm
(Notes: 1)
  
Filed under: crappy day optimistic venting out adult world Grey's Anatomy 
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